My husband and I waited until we were in our thirties to start trying to have kids. I have PMOS (formerly PCOS, I’m glad the hormone aspect is getting recognized, I never had cysts) and it was difficult for us to get pregnant. It took about a year of trying and medication combinations before we had a viable pregnancy. I was finishing my last year of my bachelor’s of Social Work. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes early in my pregnancy and I had to monitor my blood sugar from the start of my second trimester. I was put on insulin by the last two months of my pregnancy. Having to watch what I ate wasn’t too bad, because I had been doing a Mediterranean diet before getting pregnant, but it was having to avoid my cravings (fruit and popcorn) was difficult.
I think I wasn’t ready for the hormone storm once my son was here. I was fully prepared for the c-section recovery to suck (which it was hard but not the worst thing I’ve ever done), I was prepared to be sleepless, but I had no idea how whacky the hormones were. I was afraid to have anyone meet him, I was afraid to bring the dog (who loves kids and I was never worried about before) home from the dog sitter, I was just nervous and afraid and also excited and so in love with this kid. I developed Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex (DMER) and had to stop breastfeeding about a week in. In DMER, there is a sudden rush of negative feelings as breastmilk lets down. For most, it subsides after the initial let down. For me, it stayed the entire breastfeeding or pumping session. It got to the point where I questioned if my baby would be better off with a different mom. I trained with therapists and learned therapeutic modalities for my social work degree. I also worked in mental health crisis before I got pregnant. I was able to use my skillset to recognize that something was wrong, and I am grateful that I felt supported to stop breastfeeding and take care of my mental health. Becoming a mom is such a fundamental shift of worldview. Things that mattered to me before aren’t as big of a deal. I also never thought I would be so concerned with the sleep schedule of another human being, but here we are.
Even now at about 8 months postpartum I still don’t feel “back to normal”. The anxiety has decreased significantly, but I still have my days. I had to quit my job because I didn’t have reliable childcare. Some people who were so involved in my life before the baby stopped reaching out, and when I reached out I was made to feel like the bad guy for not keeping up communication. A lot of the “village” is busy with their own lives (and I don’t hold it against anyone at all).
I’m hoping that by untangling the mess in my own head, I might be able to help other moms dealing with similar situations.
Naptime Crafting 